Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 11

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'

My brother Darryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a dick! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive through every single night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through?

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"

People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”

I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, "Hey, you hungry?"

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.