Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 11

People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'

I feel like people who don’t brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they’re hiding something more even exciting.

Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, "Hey, you hungry?"

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"

You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.

If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.