Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12
I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.
So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"
How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.
Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.
Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.
We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.
I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!