Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"

How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.

So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.