Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12

So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.