Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12

How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I invite her back to my apartment, or as I call it, the "Death Star." I'm still working on it, it's not completely operational.

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'