Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 12

It was peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful eye!"

How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.

I was literally cheated on...I woke up and they were on top of me.

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"

Ma’am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.