Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 13

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

I love singing along to the radio while I’m riding in the back of a squad car.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.