Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 13

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.