Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.