Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.

You've gotta share what's going on in your mind.

I’m more of a glass empty kinda guy. I look at it as having more room for ice.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.