Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 14
It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.
Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.
When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
If somebody calls and messes with you on the phone like that you don't become terrified, you mess back. If somebody calls and was like "have you checked the children?" I'd be like "I killed them!"
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.
I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."