Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 15

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Life is too short to waste your time, energy and love on a fucking asshole.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.

You can’t become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.