Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 15

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

I’m making a porno film today. Well, kinda. There’s no sex or people in it. It’s mainly time lapse video of landscapes eroding over time.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

Don't let's someone walk all over you unless you're into that kind of thing.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."