Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

It's easy to point the finger at someone else and place blame. Go head try it it's fun. Pick anyone and start blame placing the shit outta them.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

I get so into the moment.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.