Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16

It really drives me banana sangwich.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"