Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16

It really drives me banana sangwich.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."