Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16
Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.
When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"