Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.