Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.