Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 16

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.