Quotes & Jokes by Dane Cook / page 17

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.

I've heard on the news that they are thinking of putting microchips inside babies so that if they ever get kidnapped that you can track them on Google. But what if technology fails? Well here is my solution: next to the microchip, put a fucking detonator. Listen, if I can't have my baby, nobody can!

We always have creepy people around, a creepy individual, and it starts off when we're young-uns; when we're young-uns there's a creepy person. Back in school, back in the day, which by the way, I don't know if you knew this, was a Wednesday. Thats a little fun fact. Yeah, when you refer to "back in the day" it's a Wednesday. Take that home, chew it, it's delicious.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

I’m a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

I'm a late-night guy.