Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 11

Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

If you support the second amendment, then let me exercise my support of our first amendment: you’re a fucking idiot. Do you even know what the third amendment is? The right to kick soldiers out of your house when the Revolutionary War is over.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.

You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck.