Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 11

Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Your body just said no to pie. It’s not going to say yes to puke.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'