Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 11
Decorating the gym can't mask the fact that it smells like a mix between corsage and balls.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, Well that taught me a lesson.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
If you support the second amendment, then let me exercise my support of our first amendment: you’re a fucking idiot. Do you even know what the third amendment is? The right to kick soldiers out of your house when the Revolutionary War is over.
You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!
Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.
You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"