Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 12

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

I’ll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

Your body just said no to pie. It’s not going to say yes to puke.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.