Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 12

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

Your body just said no to pie. It’s not going to say yes to puke.

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

I’ll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?

I can say that. I have a television show.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me…

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.