Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 12

You don’t gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you’re about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, "would you like some road head?"

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.

In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.

If you support the second amendment, then let me exercise my support of our first amendment: you’re a fucking idiot. Do you even know what the third amendment is? The right to kick soldiers out of your house when the Revolutionary War is over.

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

One time I put a WWJD bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist. It burned his skin. He threw it on the ground and it turned into a snake. We both laughed. We hate snakes. We think snakes are slimy, even though we know they're not.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck.

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.