Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 12

The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.

Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.

Your body just said no to pie. It’s not going to say yes to puke.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

I’ll throw a globe at you! You ever been hit by the world?!

No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all.

You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

They have a show on MTV that I can't stand, 'Cribs.' You ever watch 'Cribs'? Yeah, that show should be called, 'Wanna Feel Like a Failure?'