Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.

I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.