Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.