Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.