Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.