Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.