Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 15

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was Shutup.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

I love people of all ethnicities, as long as they’re not ugly.