Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.