Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I can say that. I have a television show.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.