Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.