Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14
I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.
My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.
Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.
If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.