Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I can say that. I have a television show.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.