Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 5
My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go ‘God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They’re fast. Back to you Bob.’
Heavy chicks love pointing out that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12. Yeah, but she was also a huge slut who blew the president.
I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.
Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let's not base your entire life on a religion that's old enough for my dad to be like, 'Oh yeah, that's not true. That didn't happen.'
Every video from Russia is depressing, it’s like they have their cameras set to sad.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid.
Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.
Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.
Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.
I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.
I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time, she's like, 'This looks like Birmingham, Alabama.' And I'm like, 'Shut up, Britney Spears.' And she's like, 'Quit calling me Britney Spears.' And I'm like, 'No one talks to The Rock like that, bitch!' Which is really funny because I don't have a girlfriend. That was just some lady on the bus - she did not smell what I was cooking.