Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 6

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

She says to me during the act of lovemaking, 'Hey Daniel, what's it like having sex with a condom on?' And I'm like, 'How should I know?'

I don’t believe space exists. You’re not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it’s Mars.

I'd like a game show with millionaires on it, and they have to play with their own money, and they can't win money, they can only lose 'til one them goes complete broke, and the show's called 'Ha Ha, Now You're Poor.'

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.

Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

Anal sex does not preserve your virginity. Your poophole is not a loophole.