Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 6

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog.

Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.

I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag.

Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."