Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 9

Don’t blame your failure on haters. If everyone thinks you suck, they’re not haters. They’re right.

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

Yes you can tell how good a guy is on bed by the way he dances. If a guy is excellent at dancing he’s also probably really great at having sex… with men… having anal sex.

At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date.

Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.

When you’re in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It’s like diarrhea for your heart.

I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man i have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

I can tell this isn’t a gay club because he’s not in shape and I don’t recognize the club.

I think it’s kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that’s stealing. Wow talk about ironic.

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

Scattergories is second base for Christians.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'