Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 8

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow.

Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.

I like my women like I like my coffee. I don’t like coffee.

Of course the sexiest thing a girl can do is not complain about her body.

We owe it to our troops to let them sleep in their own beds, wake up in the morning, have a delicious breakfast, and drive to war.

I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.

Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got - one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now - wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over - there ya go. Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.'

It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Stop saying you’re not racist because you have a friend that’s black. That’s like saying you’re not a pedophile because you have a friend that’s a kid.

I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.