Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 2
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair.
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.