Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 2
Fine art and pizza delivery - being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.
I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms.
They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
It was stupid behaviour. And you take a look at the explosion, and it knocks you down and you wake up every morning and you're scared and you're depressed and sad, and you kind of got to let that knock you down and knock you down.