Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 12

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie.