Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 11

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behaviour. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

This is TV the way it's supposed to be, ain't it? Let's try on jackets. It's fun!

I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?