Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 11

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behaviour. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal.

BP has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.