Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 3
Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.
If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.
Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.