Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 3

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

Please kids, I beg you. Don't be stealing beer underage.

I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.

If my brain hadn't shrunk, I'd be insulted.

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.

Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"

Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.

I got my lips chewed off by a dingo!

If what you've done is stupid, but it works... then it really isn't all that stupid.

Today is a big day in TV history. On this day forty-one years ago, the Beverly Hillbillies aired for the first time right here on CBS. They took a little break, then in 1992, they moved into the White House for eight years.