Quotes & Jokes by David Letterman / page 3
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Charlton Heston admitted he had a drinking problem, and I said to myself, "Thank God this guy doesn't own any guns!"
United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead.
It turns out I was duped. I have no-one to blame but myself and boy is my face red... Now I need to apologise to the Lindsay Lohan family. I hope I didn't embarrass you and your family.
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs.
Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"
Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They're busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.
Today is a big day in TV history. On this day forty-one years ago, the Beverly Hillbillies aired for the first time right here on CBS. They took a little break, then in 1992, they moved into the White House for eight years.