Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 10

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, "Oh, come on!" every now and then at the TV.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I’m afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’