Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 10

I am a ceiling fan, especially during rain.

4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.

I’m afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

What's this about rice milk? I didn't even know rice had nipples!

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.