Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 9
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. Whats his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time.
The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.