Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 9

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

I hate when I go in for a handshake, I’m coming in traditional, I’m showing you my hand and the person comes back at me with like the fist thing and then I got to scramble, like upgrade, oh so we’re doing the fist. Okay like cause yours is new I go to do your thing. So I don’t do it, I just go like, paper covers rock bitch.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.

I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"

They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’'s a dog. Don’'t waste my time.”