Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 9
You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.
I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…
They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. Whats his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible.
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.