Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 9
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one that isn't famous. Which sucks sometimes, you know what I mean, sometimes I don't want all that glitz and glamour, I just want something delicious, you know? I don't need a celebrity in my mouth, "Ray's Up And Coming Pizza" would be fine.
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice, unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. Then it's the worst soap possible.
I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. Whats his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time.
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.