Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 9
I hate when I go in for a handshake, I’m coming in traditional, I’m showing you my hand and the person comes back at me with like the fist thing and then I got to scramble, like upgrade, oh so we’re doing the fist. Okay like cause yours is new I go to do your thing. So I don’t do it, I just go like, paper covers rock bitch.
I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.
I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.
Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? Muffins!"
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
4 in every 8 math teachers think that they should be 1 in every 2 math teachers.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.