Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 9

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

I am a man. And I am former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

When I am at rodeo I find it difficult not to root for the animals.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up dictionary… it said "you’re an asshole."

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.

The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’'s a dog. Don’'t waste my time.”

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, "Oh, come on!" every now and then at the TV.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.