Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 11

I think bears and worms aren’t very similar… until you think of gummy.

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

I care about politics, but I have a tough time making comedy out of it. I was so happy to have a chance to be on The Daily Show, and I think Jon Stewart’s so funny… but mostly in my own comedy, I care about less relevant things.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

"Finger Puppet" sounds OK as a noun.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…

I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.