Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 11
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
I think bears and worms aren’t very similar… until you think of gummy.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I was driving down the highway and I saw a sign that said: Live Nude Girls. And I was thinking, you probably don't need the 'live.' I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality until you brought it up.
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.
When I’m buying car insurance I ask myself, ‘Which company has the most annoying and relentless commercials?’
The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".