Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 12
I was driving down the highway and I saw a sign that said: Live Nude Girls. And I was thinking, you probably don't need the 'live.' I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality until you brought it up.
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.