Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 12
You always hear about the guy who was raised by wolves. You never hear about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. The problem is, you have a non-wolf imparting wolf teachings.
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.