Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 12
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
Laborers want their kids to be merchants or business people. Business people want their kids to be professionals. Professionals want their kids to be academics, professors. Academics want their kids to be artists. And artists don’t care if their kids are laborers or not. They can be anything.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.
I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."