Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 12
I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ball-gown.
I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."