Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 12
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".
A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you’re smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you’re thinking about something.
P equals the amount of pizza there is. Divided by me plus my friends. Which always comes out to one less than the amount of slices I want to eat. And that equals… bullshit.
My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.
One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.