Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 13

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’

I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.