Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 13
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.
I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.