Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 13
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."
I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Overheard today in restaurant: "Can you stop listening to our conversation?"
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'