Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 13
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.