Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 13
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."
I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.
I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."