Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 13

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.

When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."

I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'