Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14

When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'