Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.