Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.