Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.