Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.