Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.
I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.