Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 14

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

I hate you, but I'm not in hate with you.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.

Multi-Choice question: My dishwasher is: efficient; hilarious.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.