Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 15

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.