Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 15
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.