Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 15
I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…
I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’