Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 15

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.