Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 15
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…
Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.