Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 15
I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’
I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.
Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.