Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 15

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. "You're a dick! You deserved this! Also I'm sorry I broke your leg."

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’