Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 16

I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.