Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 16

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.