Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 16

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else…

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.