Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 16

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

When a couch potato is sliced up and then deep fried that is couch french fries.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'