Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 16

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.