Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 17

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.