Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 17

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

My friend says "touche" way too much. He's a touche bag.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

"Sort of" is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!"

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".