Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 17

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am "looking at." And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am "Get Him!"

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.