Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 18
This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.