Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 18

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.

Cut me off, I’ll curtsy on your ass.

This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.