Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 18

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.

That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.