Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 18
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
How many of you are creative? I don’t know, but for me, when you make a bunch of things over time and then you keep them… you forget. I look through my sketchbooks and I’m an audience for myself.
That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.
Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.
"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.