Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 18
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.
It is illegal to yell "fire" in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like "Flames!" or "Smoke maker!" or "Bad hot!"
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.
This is a fun game: If you have a planner, like, an old planner… just like, in a park, just leave the planner out on the ground. And then someone comes and picks it up, you know, and they open it, and inside, it just says: 1. Drop planner; 2. Wait for person to pick up planner; 3. Get person; 4. If they look around, wait ‘til tonight to get them. Or exactly one year from today.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".
Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.