Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 19

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's gonna fuck you up at midnight.' 'Honey, what is this? Did you anger a small Irish man?'

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.