Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 19

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.