Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 19

"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

Canoe plus waterfall equals "I don't go camping anymore".

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’

I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.