Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 19
Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's gonna fuck you up at midnight.' 'Honey, what is this? Did you anger a small Irish man?'
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.
Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.