Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 20
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.