Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 20

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Canoe plus waterfall equals "I don't go camping anymore".

I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’

When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's gonna fuck you up at midnight.' 'Honey, what is this? Did you anger a small Irish man?'