Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 20
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, ‘Here’s to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do… but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.’
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?