Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.
Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.