Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
"I" equals all of the "ifs" added up over time. The "ifs," those are the possibilities; that’s infinite for all of us. Every day there are just millions of them. Time, that’s finite for each of us; there is no question there. Maybe if you divide "choices" by the amount of time you have, the real "I" can emerge, depending upon those choices.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.