Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.