Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.