Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.