Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.