Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 21
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.