Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.
I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!