Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.