Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.