Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!