Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.