Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...