Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 22

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.