Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.