Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.