Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.