Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?