Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

538 quotes

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

Most stick people are black.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'