Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.
One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.
The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.