Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?
Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.