Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?