Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 23
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.
To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.
And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.
When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.