Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

Most stick people are black.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.