Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.