Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.