Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

Most stick people are black.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.