Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.