Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.