Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 24

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.