Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

Most stick people are black.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.