Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."