Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.