Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.