Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.