Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

It is interesting that the black BMW is the preferred car of so many assholes.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

I find that a shirt is most similar to a napkin when I don't have a napkin.