Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.