Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

When the stripper jumped out of the giant cake, everyone got excited. But then when she jumped into the regular-size cake, everyone got confused.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.