Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 25

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I’m not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.