Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

I love Steven Wright.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.