Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.