Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I love Steven Wright.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.