Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'