Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I love Steven Wright.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.