Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."