Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 26
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.