Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.