Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.