Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.