Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.