Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.