Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.