Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.