Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.