Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 27

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

If you have a lair then you are probably not a good person.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.