Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I’m in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.