Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I love Steven Wright.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.