Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.