Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

Most stick people are black.