Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I love Steven Wright.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.