Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.