Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.