Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 28

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.