Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

Most stick people are black.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.