Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

Most stick people are black.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.