Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.