Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.