Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".
I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.