Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

Most stick people are black.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.