Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 29

Most stick people are black.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.