Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.