Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.