Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it's ok to drop a turtle.

To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.