Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.
It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.
To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.
Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"
It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.