Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30

The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.