Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when "OK" was abbreviated to "K".

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.