Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 30

I wanna put stickers on turtles... I don’t know why.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

It would be nice if people said, "God bless you" not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

It’s not enough to say "I’m sorry". You have to also mean it. It’s the same with saying "I’m single".

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

They say it's lonely at the top. It must be even lonelier at the tippy top.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

To let people know how quirky and interesting you are try wearing your pajama pants to the supermarket, you fucking slob.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.