Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 4

My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, "was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won." "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, "I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

The straw is a great invention. You can drink without using your wrists. The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot. I have to pull the straw aside and be like “What the hell do you think you’re doing? The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth. What are you doing on the other side of the glass? I don’t need you; you’re a luxury."

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

I think it's weird that one group took refracted light. Pretty greedy, gays.

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”

I lost my fog machine 'cause I left it running for too long. I don't know how fog got associated with partying. 'This weather is way too dangerous to drive in. You guys want to dance?'

Because the unexamined life is not worth living, man.

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?' And I have a comment: 'yes'.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?