Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 31

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

The definition of "adventure" depends upon how boring your life is.

I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying.