Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 31

Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."

I’ve never read an article of clothing.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

It's go time! And by "go" I mean "go sit down".

When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me... And I had a big lunch.

The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.