Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 31
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
If I had to pick one artist to tile my bathroom I would go with MC Escher.
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips… but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.
Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.
Whenever I throw caution to the wind I make sure I’m facing the right way so that it doesn’t blow back and hit me in my face.
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there’s a party. "Settle down. It’s not a party. It’s just balloons."
If you are trying to impress a woman, leave any sort of "show farting" out of the equation.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
The reason you often get in comedy is because you’re not getting laid.