Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 5

It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.

I like rock, paper, scissors - two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff - I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together - you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

I saw a door onetime that said “Exit Only.” So I entered it, and I went up to the guy working there and said, “I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door here. By like 100%, man.”

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room… can even bring things to a climax.

So I was eating this cereal, and I had all these questions and comments. Luckily there was a number on the box. So I called, and said, ‘I have a question: Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?' And I have a comment: 'yes'.

I am a man of my word… and that word is "unreliable."

If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead… it’s a shit life.

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.