Quotes & Jokes by Demetri Martin / page 5

When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!

I don’t know why great abs are considered attractive. I know they are, but biologically, I don’t know what we’re trying to convey. You see a guy with great abs, you think, ‘wow! That guy could shit really fast.’ I bet women love that.

Halloween’s my favorite holiday because you don’t have to spend it with your family.

I think it's weird that one group took refracted light. Pretty greedy, gays.

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Because the unexamined life is not worth living, man.

It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "'Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douche bag.

I don’t like thank you cards because I don’t know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? "See Front."

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I lost my fog machine 'cause I left it running for too long. I don't know how fog got associated with partying. 'This weather is way too dangerous to drive in. You guys want to dance?'

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, "I'm really good at checkers". That's the same thing as saying, "I'm not good at very many things."

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.