Quotes & Jokes by Dick Gregory / page 2

If it wasn't for Abe Lincoln, I'd still be on the open market.

You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

If a man calls me a nigger, he is calling me something I am not. The nigger exists only in his own mind; therefore his mind is the nigger. I must feel sorry for such a man.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

It was an unwritten law that black comics were not permitted to work white nightclubs. You could sing and you could dance, but you couldn't stand flat-footed and talk; that was a no-no.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.

Black conservatives have a right to exist, but why would I want to walk around with a swastika on my shirt after the way Hitler done messed it up?

You know, I always say white is not a colour, white is an attitude, and if you haven't got trillions of dollars in the bank that you don't need, you can't be white.

I went to Ethiopia, and it dawned on me that you can tell a starving, malnourished person because they've got a bloated belly and a bald head. And I realized that if you come through any American airport and see businessmen running through with bloated bellies and bald heads, that's malnutrition, too.

In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport.

Coconut milk is the only thing on this planet that comes identically to mother's milk.

I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.