Quotes & Jokes by Don Rickles / page 2

To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it.

Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, How many more years do I have on this earth? But I can't really conceive of dying. Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is.

Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.

Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive.

I'm not a big one for jokes. I can't tell a joke, believe it or not. If you gave me a thousand bucks and said, 'Don, get up at a party and tell a joke', I'm the worst.

I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.

I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness.

I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

When you enter a room, you have to kiss his ring. I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.

Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.

People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.

I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid.

My whole act is off the top of my head.