Quotes & Jokes by Don Rickles / page 3

I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it.

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.

I was a mother's boy.

I cannot tell a joke. But I can do a situation, that it becomes a joke.

I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym.

Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.

The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.

The transformation has been unbelievable. When I started here, I worked in a place where the Sky Room was on the second floor.

Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.

The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.

Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones.

In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know.

I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people.

I still have drive, but everything is relative.