Quotes & Jokes by Don Rickles / page 4

I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people.

When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.

I never went out looking for glory.

I told jokes badly.

When I'm onstage, I'm acting.

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is.

Funny is funny.

I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny.

I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, Gee, if only I'd done The Man Who Came to Dinner on Broadway, I would have been happier.

To me, the stand up part in my life is great. I know I can do that. When I get an acting chance, I'm really thrilled.

I can sit all day in a comfortable chair and watch ball games, but I don't need a blanket.

Well, I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one.

I do situations and make fun of authority and life.

They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities.