Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 21
I’m always looking for something new to say. That’s the problem with doing it for this long, thinking of what haven’t I beaten to death that I care about? You try to break yourself out of your comfort zone, because comfort is deadly for a comedian. There’s a reason why jokes start with “Don’t you hate it when…?” and not “Do you know what’s really great?”
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I should see a woman this time because I saw a man last time.' It's hard to have blanket opinions.
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
British audiences are more polite and have a wider world view. You don’t have to put a fuck joke in every 90 seconds like you do with Americans.
Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.
If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.
(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.
But there's only so long that shit like that can hang around your apartment before you have to stick your dick in it.