Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 20

Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.

I need you to love me, I don’t like me, either, if that helps.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.

I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do… which sucked a lot.

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

New York is baffling in the [sense that] it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.