Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 20
I had jobs that were as short as an hour and a half. One was putting circulars into newspapers, and I worked at it for 90 minutes before I said “I’m going to the bathroom” and never came back. I never spent a lot of time at a boring job. I’d either quit, or I’d try to make it fun and they would try to fire me. When I worked for a collections agency, I’d fuck with people until it became like a Jerky Boys routine. My bosses would tell me, “You’re still supposed to get the money from them.”
I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.
I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.
I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.
The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.
Two million people could die tonight and traffic would still suck in the morning. Stop spitting out the children.
I'm strongly debating quitting. I don't want to create things to be angry about, I'd sooner start doing happy shit.
I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally. I'm not going to say, 'Oh, I should see a woman this time because I saw a man last time.' It's hard to have blanket opinions.
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do… which sucked a lot.