Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 20

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit.

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

New York is baffling in the [sense that] it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you fucking live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last fucking place I wanna be.

I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.

I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

If you ever apologize to a heckler again I will rape you.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do… which sucked a lot.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.